I hadn’t been for a physical for several years and so after much prodding from my wife I decided to take advantage of the company’s health plan and visit the doctor. Due to a rare confluence of circumstances – our recent move, a change in our health plan, and changing personnel at the doctor’s office – this was my first time meeting this specific doctor.

I of course had to change into that skimpy little paper gown with the backside wide open prior to our meeting. Ever since an allergic reaction landed me in the emergency room one winter evening where I laid on a cold metal table with nothing but one of these napkins for apparel I have had a distinct distaste for such things. But I would be obedient and wear the garb for the short duration of this exam.

In our modern world we are keenly aware of the spread of airborne germs. I remember the first time my dentist showed up wearing a scuba mask and respirator and the thinking that this was just a little bit extreme. Yet my surprise then was nothing compared to when this doctor entered the examination room wearing his mask.

And what a mask! It must have been three feet tall and covered most of his upper body as if a knight had welded his shield to the visor of his helmet. It appeared to be made of wood, having grotesque carvings all over and painted in bright and vivid colors. Of the doctor I could see very little. Just two eyes through slits in the mask.

I assumed the mask was made to help small children feel more comfortable during the exam. Cartoon characters are often soothing and keep children from being frightened in an already strange place. I was a little annoyed, however, that this doctor thought I would need such treatment. I would prefer a more "face-to-face" meeting with my doctor, especially for the first time.

"Which doctor are you?" I asked, more than a little curious at such an apparition.

"Yes," was his only reply, leaving me just as puzzled as before. "Lie down."

And so I did.

Fans of Star Trek will remember Doctor McCoy waiving his little do-dad over patients and either pronouncing them "dead" or "barely alive." Fans will also know the story of how these marvels of medical science were props made out of salt shakers by a studio on a tight budget. My doctor must have been a fan of the show too, for he kept waiving a little talisman over me in much the same way. He even had little bones hanging from it in honor of "Bones" McCoy.

The problem with this is that unlike the props used on the TV show, his shakers were but recently filled, seeing as how they kept leaking salt all over me. But I consider myself somewhat of a multiculturalist and, owning to the top-knot, tattoos, and constant mumbling in an unfamiliar language, my doctor obviously grew up in a culture other than that of a traditional New England town. Indeed, I have had a great many friends from other countries where English was not their native tongue, such as India or Great Britain. So I am accustomed to the different practices of various groups and therefore did not fuss over this doctor’s mannerisms.

What did trouble me a bit was the constant smacking of his lips. The poor fellow must suffer from some excess of saliva, I thought. No matter, for I am not such a person to draw attention to someone else’s handicap. I will bear it willingly.

I must be fit indeed for the doctor pronounced me "low in trans fats" and complemented me on my muscle tone. He was disappointed that I am a fairly thin individual but I was happy to hear that my weight was "serviceable."

So if you are in the area and need of a good physician I will happily supply you with the name and address of the practice I now use. I’m afraid I still can’t pronounce his name properly, but the doctor is a very friendly fellow and may even invite you home for supper.